David Jenkins Bsky OFMD Christmas Special

12/25/2024 7:38 pm EST

David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ 1775. An editor comes into work on Christmas eve to find a manuscript on his desk. The title: A HISTORY OF PYRATES by Charles Johnson. (We have no budget so we’ll say the editor is played by Michael Stuhlbarg). He thumbs through the draft: a scene where a silly fancy pirate robs a fern from some fishermen. Another where he crosses blades in the moonlight with the legendary Blackbeard. Another where they pine for each other from a great distance. He thumbs further, grudgingly interested. These two pirates settle down with each other. The start a B and B. Huh. The editor is interested now. He reads the last third of the manuscript in detail. Open on a beach. Nancy Sinatra’s “You Only Live Twice” plays (the track from the movie, this is important. It has the best intro and for some reason is only sporadically available on Spotify). We use the classic James Bond opening iris to find a now established inn on a beautiful stretch of beach. White linen flows beautifully as it’s laid out on a table. Laid by co-innkeeper Ed, with great satisfaction. He lays out glassware. Perfect. Flowers. Perfect. He is content in this working meditation. He is precise in his adjustments to create beauty. Over the following: “You only live twice or so it seems. Once for your life and once for your dreams.”


‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ Meanwhile, a cluster of frustrated guests attempt to check in with a flustered Stede. The inn has become quite popular. A well-heeled family has hired it out to host a wedding banquet. They’re dicks. Very demanding. This is a Christmas event and they want everything to be perfect. Stede’s overwhelmed and put upon at the front desk, Ed’s nowhere to be found. (Song: “You drift through the years and life seems tame.”) The year is 1719, two years after the events of the second season. The inn has become a bit of a bougie destination. A kitschy remnant of the bygone golden age of piracy run by two eccentrics who were apparently involved somehow. Stede assures the guest of honor that their stay will be smooth. They’ve rented out the entire inn after all. The guest asks him if the rumors of his pirate days were true. Stede says they’re largely embellished. A marketing hook that has worked to attract attention.

‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ He looks at a model of a pirate ship on the front desk. Crossfade to: The Revenge, powering through the seas. First mate Jimenez (Jim to a lucky few) barks orders to the crew. New faces (tbd) in addition to old (Archie, Fang, The Swede, Lucius, Black Pete, Roach). Jim very much resembles Izzy in style with them own unique flair. We see the ship has been rechristened “Izzy’s Revenge.” Jim reports to the Captain’s quarters. They are approaching the English fleet, as instructed. “Yeah, well, great, fantastic,” says Captain Frenchie. “Initiate plan A.” The English fleet looks at the approaching ship. Surely it can’t be pirates. No pirate captain is dumb enough to approach warships. They spy a white flag on the ship. The bridge appears to be on fire. The occupants seem to be merchants in distress. Once aboard an English ship, Black Pete confirms they were indeed attacked by pirates. A Christmas Day attack no less. Clearly these pirates were godless and had no regard for a holy day. Lucius says they were bringing food and clothing to the poor on behalf of a Dutch merchant. * Tired and building a crib. Goodnight and merry Christmas Eve you beautiful bastards. To be continued… *

Bluesky posts from @david-jenkins.bsky.social The rest of the English fleet is dispatched to find and destroy the “pirate attackers.” The captain of the English fleet consoles our crew. Prince Richard has mostly cleared the seas of piracy. He’s parlayed the destruction of the Republic of Pirates into becoming Governor of nearby New York. Jim says they’re huge fans of Prince Ricky. The captain tells them they’re headed to his Christmas festivity in New York City. Frenchie feigns surprise at this. He’d love to meet the Prince Governor. The captain laughs. His Highness doesn’t make a habit of granting average merchants an audience. Roach holds a knife to the captain’s throat. Perhaps he’ll make an exception for these merchants. Captain Frenchie explains the survivors of the Republic of Pirates Massacre would like to send the Prince a Christmas gift. Pirates haven’t been abolished. “We’ve just become more cautious.” The English captain laughs. No matter what they do, these pirates are dead. Smoke appears in the horizon. The rest of the English fleet burns in the distance. They’ve been ambushed by the other survivors. Five other pirate crews who’ve been biding their time since Ricky’s attack. Jim invites the captain and crew to join or die. “You silly puta bitches. We can’t be wiped out. We have too much work to do.” Roach releases a carrier pigeon. The mainland should be alerted, the plan is in motion. Meanwhile at the Inn, Ed regales guests about Stede’s murder of Captain Badminton and Admiral Badminton. He’s rewritten it to enhance Stede’s cunning and ruthlessness. The guests hang on every word. Why did he murder both brothers? Ed supposes he did it for love.

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