David Jenkins Bsky OFMD Christmas Special

01/07/2025 12:07 pm EST

David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ 1775. An editor comes into work on Christmas eve to find a manuscript on his desk. The title: A HISTORY OF PYRATES by Charles Johnson. (We have no budget so we’ll say the editor is played by Michael Stuhlbarg). He thumbs through the draft: a scene where a silly fancy pirate robs a fern from some fishermen. Another where he crosses blades in the moonlight with the legendary Blackbeard. Another where they pine for each other from a great distance. He thumbs further, grudgingly interested. These two pirates settle down with each other. The start a B and B. Huh. The editor is interested now. He reads the last third of the manuscript in detail. Open on a beach. Nancy Sinatra’s “You Only Live Twice” plays (the track from the movie, this is important. It has the best intro and for some reason is only sporadically available on Spotify). We use the classic James Bond opening iris to find a now established inn on a beautiful stretch of beach. White linen flows beautifully as it’s laid out on a table. Laid by co-innkeeper Ed, with great satisfaction. He lays out glassware. Perfect. Flowers. Perfect. He is content in this working meditation. He is precise in his adjustments to create beauty. Over the following: “You only live twice or so it seems. Once for your life and once for your dreams.”


‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ Meanwhile, a cluster of frustrated guests attempt to check in with a flustered Stede. The inn has become quite popular. A well-heeled family has hired it out to host a wedding banquet. They’re dicks. Very demanding. This is a Christmas event and they want everything to be perfect. Stede’s overwhelmed and put upon at the front desk, Ed’s nowhere to be found. (Song: “You drift through the years and life seems tame.”) The year is 1719, two years after the events of the second season. The inn has become a bit of a bougie destination. A kitschy remnant of the bygone golden age of piracy run by two eccentrics who were apparently involved somehow. Stede assures the guest of honor that their stay will be smooth. They’ve rented out the entire inn after all. The guest asks him if the rumors of his pirate days were true. Stede says they’re largely embellished. A marketing hook that has worked to attract attention.

‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ He looks at a model of a pirate ship on the front desk. Crossfade to: The Revenge, powering through the seas. First mate Jimenez (Jim to a lucky few) barks orders to the crew. New faces (tbd) in addition to old (Archie, Fang, The Swede, Lucius, Black Pete, Roach). Jim very much resembles Izzy in style with them own unique flair. We see the ship has been rechristened “Izzy’s Revenge.” Jim reports to the Captain’s quarters. They are approaching the English fleet, as instructed. “Yeah, well, great, fantastic,” says Captain Frenchie. “Initiate plan A.” The English fleet looks at the approaching ship. Surely it can’t be pirates. No pirate captain is dumb enough to approach warships. They spy a white flag on the ship. The bridge appears to be on fire. The occupants seem to be merchants in distress. Once aboard an English ship, Black Pete confirms they were indeed attacked by pirates. A Christmas Day attack no less. Clearly these pirates were godless and had no regard for a holy day. Lucius says they were bringing food and clothing to the poor on behalf of a Dutch merchant. * Tired and building a crib. Goodnight and merry Christmas Eve you beautiful bastards. To be continued… *

Bluesky posts from @david-jenkins.bsky.social The rest of the English fleet is dispatched to find and destroy the “pirate attackers.” The captain of the English fleet consoles our crew. Prince Richard has mostly cleared the seas of piracy. He’s parlayed the destruction of the Republic of Pirates into becoming Governor of nearby New York. Jim says they’re huge fans of Prince Ricky. The captain tells them they’re headed to his Christmas festivity in New York City. Frenchie feigns surprise at this. He’d love to meet the Prince Governor. The captain laughs. His Highness doesn’t make a habit of granting average merchants an audience. Roach holds a knife to the captain’s throat. Perhaps he’ll make an exception for these merchants. Captain Frenchie explains the survivors of the Republic of Pirates Massacre would like to send the Prince a Christmas gift. Pirates haven’t been abolished. “We’ve just become more cautious.” The English captain laughs. No matter what they do, these pirates are dead. Smoke appears in the horizon. The rest of the English fleet burns in the distance. They’ve been ambushed by the other survivors. Five other pirate crews who’ve been biding their time since Ricky’s attack. Jim invites the captain and crew to join or die. “You silly puta bitches. We can’t be wiped out. We have too much work to do.” Roach releases a carrier pigeon. The mainland should be alerted, the plan is in motion. Meanwhile at the Inn, Ed regales guests about Stede’s murder of Captain Badminton and Admiral Badminton. He’s rewritten it to enhance Stede’s cunning and ruthlessness. The guests hang on every word. Why did he murder both brothers? Ed supposes he did it for love.

‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ Stede interrupts and calls Ed aside. Can he please help make up some of the rooms? Stede is drowning. They’re at full capacity. Ed bristles at this. He’s really more of a “front of the house guy,,” they’ve talked about this. Stede says that’s not a thing. This is basically a two man operation. Ed says Stede’s being melodramatic. That’s why they hired Applejack, an amiable drifter who helps with odd chores around the inn (again, as our budget is unlimited, Applejack is played by Kevin Bacon). A guest asks for an extra room key. Stede calls for Applejack, who runs to the front desk to help the guest. Stede says he wishes he had ten more just like him. Ed mutters “I bet.” Stede asks what that’s supposed to mean? Ed says Stede gets nervous whenever Applejack is around. For some reason. David Jenkins ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ Stede denies this, but it’s clear he has an affinity for this handsome drifter turned handyman / bellman / bar back / chambermaid.

David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ Stede: “Applejack’s a good man and a solid employee.” Still, even with the help, the inn has become a management feat. It’s been two years since they discovered the place and renovated it, and a little over a year since it opened to customers. Ed and Stede never dreamed it would catch on so quickly. Ed: “People like that we were pirates mate. It’s one of the main things that draws a crowd.” Ed sees it as his job to tell stories of their buccaneering past even if he stops short of telling everyone he was the legendary Blackbeard. For Stede’s part, he’d just as soon leave that life behind. He’d quit just as he was making a name for himself, which had been his lifelong dream. Better alive as Ed and Stede than dead as “Gentlebeard” as the couple were starting to be known in pirate lore. How much time can one spend as a lawless brigand before their ticket gets punched? Their brush with Ned Lowe followed by the untimely death of Izzy Hands soured Stede’s romantic notion of piracy. Less and less in love with death, he was increasingly scared of losing whatever life he and Ed shared. Ed bristles at the mention of Izzy. He clearly feels Izzy’s death was his fault. And he was always worried that he’d pay for the horrible things he did to one of the only two people on earth who truly loved him unconditionally. Some not small part of him still feels cursed by the loss of Izzy. Stede tells Ed it’s better if they just let the past be and make this work. He thought the inn was their ultimate reward. They haven’t even gotten to build the bait shop addition yet. Ed: “Bait shop?” Stede: “Yes. Remember?” Ed: Why in the hell would we have a bait shop?”

David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ Stede: “You don’t remember?” Ed: “I said something about a bait shop? Must’ve been loaded, mate.” Stede tells Ed it doesn’t matter. What matters is they have a full inn, an event to plan, and Ed needs to do more than obsess about linens (Ed loves the linen management aspect of innkeeping) and tell… … tall tales of their criminal past to guests. Ed doesn’t know who any of these people are. What if someone is looking for them? No more “front of house / back of house” bullshit. They both need to do everything to make this place a success. Applejack can only help so much, he’s drunk half the time. Ed, chastened, says he’ll do what he can. Stede says he better. He’s not changing his life a third time, this place needs to work. He marches off to deal with a wedding cake delivery. The icing is melting in the hot Caribbean sun.

Ed decides to take a smoke break. He puffs his pipe outside, talking to someone off camera. “I don’t know, mate. Thought this was the thing. And I do love aspects of it. Flower arrangement. Linens. We spent a fortune on the linens, but god they’re lovely. But it seems like we’re almost… roommates.” “Coworkers definitely. We built the place together and that was fun. But the whole customer service aspect. And you know, I don’t think he even loves it? Spends half his time muttering in his sleep about The Revenge.” Reverse to find Ed is talking to “Izzy.” Or his grave at least. Ed’s cordoned it off with a white picket fence and keeps it well. “I guess you’re right. I have a hard time just being content.” Ed explains that he does want the place to succeed, but he wants to do it with his partner. He didn’t want the stress of the thing and the daily drudgery to pull them apart. The whole point of the thing is they could do it together without getting murdered. It was the ultimate retirement plan.

“Pff. You didn’t even know what retirement was ya twat.” Izzy’s voice, clear as day. Ed looks up quickly. No one is there.

‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ · 18h Meanwhile, a pigeon flies through the rain ‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ · 18h Over the sea ‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ · 18h To land David Jenkins ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ To a city. New York City. It lands at a humble soup kiosk at what is now probably Doyers Street in southern Manhattan (aka Doyers Street Angle, great dim sum here in the year 2025 btw) January 6, 2025 at 4:02 PM 6 reposts 19 quotes 397 likes Write your reply ‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ · 18h Auntie, serving several customers, spots the note on the bird’s leg before shooing it away. She scoops it up and opens a trap door in the kiosk’s floor. ‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ · 15h A ladder goes deep down into the ground. Sounds can be heard. Party sounds. Bar sounds. Gambling sounds. ‪David Jenkins‬ ‪@david-jenkins.bsky.social‬ · 15h The colonies have been good to Jackie and Zheng, now business partners in the largest underground gambling den and speakeasy in history

Source: David Jenkins Bluesky

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